I started the gambling treatment program on March 29, 2014.
Read Parable of lost sheep. Luke 15
I joined with the incentive that help may be possible but I
did not know what form I would receive it in.
It is because as a gambler, one is a perpetual runner from problems and
the excitement was in that escape.
When I first entered Center for Alcohol and Drug Treatment , I filled out the forms
and thought how could another structured environment exposing my weaknesses be
reassuring?
When I first met people in the group, some had undefined
motives for being there and others seemed to have stumble on a greater entity
known as themselves. Their actions didn’t
match their countenance or presence of mind.
They had more gifts to share with the world than they could even be
conscious of.
Candance – an inner and outward beauty and radiance.
Diane – persistence and dedication
John Clark – story telling abilities, soft sense of humor
and candidness
Dawn – a determination to plead with participants to
recognize themselves.
As soon as the essence of the program enlightened me, I
understood the nature of why someone needed to commit. Spending my whole life avoiding intimate
confrontation with myself, my savior, my son and despair from the past such as
losing a daughter by death and husband by divorce magnified the light of
struggles.
Gambling was an easy escape in which I would enter the world
of superficial light to conceal the outcome of permanent darkness. Laughing people, jokesters, those dealers who
thought they knew me and exploited my weaknesses, I became a pawn in their
game. I was attached to the one thing
that would be my ultimate destruction. Although I had allies, I was setting myself up for the final battle that would force confrontation with myself which was a cloud of eternal escape.
It seemed to be embodied in their profession that their
jabbing insults would become my potential mockery. Their act of genuity was like a false cup of
reward, ready to remove my joy.
I was unable to separate myself so a power bigger than me
made the eternal separation. It was a
result of my own actions, poor judgment and a swift decision by Native Am
management that 86’ed me for life. I
felt like Tim Tebow with incredible gifts but only possessing the scrutiny of
the media and a mockery for my true self which was a fallen Christian.
How did I find the light?
I saw it through the lines of despair and repentance of other people’s
faces as they recognized in themselves that their greater good lie outside the
actions of their temporary fix. That
there was something better within themselves that could allow them to conquer
this mad disease. For some if it was
small children at home. For others, they
could not win over their critics but they won the victory over their own
critics which included themselves.
Others had to face critical family members or job changes or financial
consequences but the purpose of overcoming was not hindered by one obstacle.
We learned to depend on others and when those who could not
define their higher power, they waded in the outpatient group by practicing the
readings, learning slowly until they could envision an outline of a higher
power that could strengthen them until the next meeting.
Some people cracked and faded, never fully gripping a self
identity that could hurdle the next challenge.
For those fallen by the wayside, I recognize your battalion of excuses
but it will only become future building blocks for the next bridge you will
have to prepare yourself to cross. You
cannot escape yourself.
Running turns to walking and to stillness until the vision
eventually becomes complete. Then you
find new ways to define yourself as you co mingle eternal paradigms of
happiness, new joy and the flavor of love.
One day you will see in a mirror dimly and then you will see face to
face. I will know in part, I am understood
even as I understand fully
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Addendum: True friendships are not built on hostility and finger pointing. Friendships are built on acceptance of the person and the convergence of understanding and recognition of weaknesses.
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Addendum: True friendships are not built on hostility and finger pointing. Friendships are built on acceptance of the person and the convergence of understanding and recognition of weaknesses.
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